Here are my venting thoughts I wrote this morning.... I hope they make sense...
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I remember I used to spend a long time getting ready in the mornings making myself look nice. -well, not just nice, I had to look “JUST right” It took a long time, I was often late, and I put too much emphasis on it. It was not a healthy priority. I placed too much of my self worth on it.
Then I met someone - a boy - we got pretty serious - (no didn’t marry him...) and he taught me that I am still beautiful without all of that do up and that that is not the most important thing, nor is it the best part about me.
Well, I kind of went to the other extreme. I was not super sloppy or anything, and I still showered and kept myself clean - but sometimes I didn’t even wear makeup and if I didn’t have makeup on - I was ok with going out into public..... and since I’ve gotten married and especially since my pregnancies where I couldn’t do much at all (my appearance was certainly not a priority at that time. It was hard enough just to shower - because of how sick I was feeling.) So, my looking “JUST right” is no longer an issue - and I often wonder if it should be more of an issue. It does feel better when I look nice (which standard is not as high as it used to be.) But now that I’m in a different stage of life, it is easier to do a little more to my appearance - and I have been - and it feels good.
---------------------------------Well, I seem now, to be going through a similar thing with planning. I’ve been a big time planner - and have found it difficult to do things when they weren’t planned. A lot of the time, I would get a lot done - but there were too many times when the things I planned didn’t happen at all, because circumstances changed or needs changed or I had planned too much or I was too tired to carry it out - and it seems I would spend quite a bit of time planning. I enjoyed the planning process and I enjoyed thinking and feeling like I could get all these things done - and like I could do all these things this way...
(*Note: And my planning was based on pretty good priorities. They weren’t just to do lists. I wanted to spend time with my kids, my husband, my scriptures, service.... etc. I wanted to lay out my life into a balanced schedule. I don’t just want to get a lot done.. I want to live my life in my priorities. I want to put first things first. -- that’s what I want the most.)
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Marrying my husband added a new aspect to that, because he is NOT a planner. And after trying to plan things with him many times over the years, I have come to accept his way of doing things (for him). But I would still do MY planning...
He is certainly much less stressed than I am (stress is something I have way too much of - which causes headaches, etc....)- yet I get more done than he does - and spend more time on my priorities than he does. (There are other factors as well, that don’t need to be mentioned here.) So watching him has got me thinking...
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My sister, Ronell, is also a “non-planner”. (Which I didn’t realize until recently.) And she gets A LOT done. (and of course, again, there are other factors here...) We’ve talked about it a couple of times just recently and she doesn’t plan. She just lives life based on how she feels - or on ideas that come to her mind - usually without question or doubt. And of course, she tries to repent, pray, read her scriptures and go to the temple regularly - which qualifies her to have the Spirit with her. And she loves it this way. She feels like she does the things she is supposed to in the day (of course, “human-ness” taken into account...)
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So, just recently I have let go of a lot of my planning. (Similar to my appearance example above.) It’s been really nice and it’s been not so nice.
I’ve been less stressed
I’ve gotten less done (some of them priorities too -)
I also seem to feel less drive... (does that come with stress?) and maybe even less direction and purpose...?
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I have been wanting to follow the Spirit. To receive and recognize promptings and follow them. There is soo much (information, ideas, stuff, methods, opinions.....) - I KNOW the Lord knows what my first things are and when they need to be done. I KNOW he knows HOW I should spend my time - WHEN it would be best to do things - what things it would be best TO do - what things are NOT worth my time..... etc.
I would LOVE to just live according to His guidance. Like this.... I get a prompting to_____ and I go to it. Then I get a prompting to________________ and I go do it... Then at the end of the day - though EVERYthing is not done... the most important things happened and I KNOW the most important things happened - so I feel peace with the way I spent my time, the things I did do and the things that are not done. I know that I followed the Lord that day.
Now, I know that it may not be as easy as all that. There may be things the Lord wants me to do that are hard, “embarassing”, out of my comfort zone, don’t make sense......... But if I could do it the way I described - in spite of these challenges - that would be so awesome!!! I would LOVE that!!! Because I am so completely confident that the Lord’s way IS the BEST way.
-------------------------------So, now, a couple of questions...
1) is this realistic? Is it possible for it to work this way? Is this something that the Lord DOES? The scriptures say that the Lord does not command in all things (or something like that... it’d be good for me to see what this says) - yet it also says the Spirit will show you all things we must do. Is this something I can work towards / hope for / ask for?
2)Do I plan or not? When I was talking to my sister Ronell - I was telling her how I have felt the Lord guide me in my planning. And I do feel like He has done that. (there are also a lot of times when I spend so much time trying to fit it all in and it just doesn't seem to work, so I just do my best and then it doesn't hold - ) So, if the Lord can and does guide us in our planning as well as outside of it - then is it just a matter of preference? plan or don’t plan - either way God will guide us and it will work out? Or do we do both... plan (asking the Lord’s guidance) and be open to change.... or don’t plan unless the Spirit prompts me to.... ? ? ? ? It’s often difficult for me to put effort into a plan (hopefully inspired...) and then to not be so focused on the plan that anything else is regarded as a disruption... (maybe it is??)
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I was reading some commentary in Jesus the Christ today about how when Christ performed his miracles, he only exhibited his super-human powers to the extent that the were needed. All other parts were done the human way. Though he knew where Lazarus was buried, he had the people show him the place. He had the people remove the napkin about his face, etc.
ReplyDeleteThis came to my mind when I read your post. I went through this process earlier this year. I had to take a couple of weeks off of planning in order to just practice feeling the spirit. But then I began to receive direction for how to plan. He does want us to be organized. He does want us to do all in our power to fulfill our righteous desires. He wants us to do many things of our own free will and choice. I vote for the plan and be open to change option. If I go too long without a plan, I begin to drift. When I am not anxiously engaged, I think it is actually harder for me to feel the spirit.